Weird London 1

Well, this just has to be the absolute worst day I have ever had in my entire life, including any previous lives I might have lived. So far it has seen me chased half a mile by an over-sized and under-fed two headed flying lion monkey, harassed by a tribe of Methane Sprites and very nearly partially digested by a strange multi limbed sewer beast lurking beneath the drain grille at a corner in High Holborn. Not exactly what I would call an easy day, and one that I would much rather forget right now but like all bad days, this one just won't die. Luckily I managed to take out the embarrassing plague of Methane Sprites with three cans of Lynx, purchased the day earlier from my local store, I avoided partial digestion by that squirming tentacled toad by distracting it with a ham and cheese sandwich, and then braining it with a nearby free newspaper trolley. At the final whistle the score was Two Headed Flying Lion Monkey 0 Very Large Petrol Tanker 1 and after all that I honestly thought it would be safe to assume things should be quiet for a while. Funny how things work out isn't it?
Not Ha Ha funny of course, more like a guy taking a jump down a flight of stairs on a skateboard and snapping his leg like a twig kind of funny, the kind of funny that is only funny if it is not happening to you. Take for instance, being locked inside your own god damn wardrobe by an unruly mob of whiskey crazed Imps bent on destruction, absolutely hilarious to anyone watching from the fence, but for the person shut inside a wooden box and forced to listen in terror as a bunch of midget-sized malformed misfits shred everything in his home in a fit of drunken craziness, it's just not cricket.
It's not all bad however, seeing as I had taken to keeping a large aluminium baseball bat in my wardrobe some considerable time ago, and from the sound of it one of the little bastards has just found out what happens when you stick a fork into a live electrical socket, and was catapulted into the door of my makeshift cell, knocking away the chair holding it closed in the process. Soon I shall be able to return to some kind of normality with a bottle of Wild Turkey and a three-hour bath, possibly a pizza or maybe even Chinese, yes all of that shall be mine very soon. But first, I have to deal with these god damned Imps...